It's times like these I wonder why I keep allowing myself to believe, to hope and dream. I see the words depart my lips, it's an actual visual event. Letters tumbling over one another as if battling for space, all conveying the same message: 'I'm giving in to the weight, I'm going to be a realist, I'm going to admit my defeat and finally allow myself to understand that this is as good as it gets. This moment right here, once it's gone...I'll be alone 'mostly' from thereon forward.' I see the words, the individual letters, I hear the syllables and tone of my voice. I taste the bitterness of what they mean. And yet, even with that I still can't let myself actually embrace the magnitude, the reality, the acid burn of the situation.
Contrary to what you, or even I, might be thinking...I'm not sticking my head in the sand anymore. I know what is going on. I've suspected for as long as I've known he's married. Of course there was some lingering hope that perhaps I was wrong, that maybe he really was pulling away, emotionally and physically distant from her. I know better now. Whether it be from sights witnessed by my own eyes, a gut feeling, or other evidence ...is ultimately irrelevant. All that truly matters is that I have a full grasp of everything.
For such a long time I used to think that there was something 'special' about the fact that I knew 'everything'. I knew about her, I knew about their relationship...when they were together, what they talked about etc. I wasn't the one being betrayed
You might think that I blame him in all this. You might even believe I'd be right and justified to do so. However, I see it all rather differently. I'm the one that allows this to happen. I choose to allow myself to believe the rosier side of things versus looking at the reality that is glaring in my face. For the first time in forever he actually jumped and snatched his phone away from me today when I reached for it. With the statement of 'let me clear this before you see something you don't want to before going through my phone'. Really?! Going through your phone...yes that was my plan as we were sitting shoulder to shoulder. And just what in the fuck were you talking about with the wife at 0100 or 0200 her time. Yeah I'm sure that was you just 'playing along' and 'keeping suspicions down'. Riiiight. Just like you supposedly never have intimate conversations with her.....uh huh. And I just saw Aladdin fly by on his magical Arabian carpet.
But once again, I choose this. I love him. I choose what I'm willing to tolerate and endure, and while the need to vent is likely to happen often...hell I'm sure with increasing frequency, I'm not going anywhere. He, our son...our love...they're my life. So whatever it is that I have to shoulder to continue having all of that...I will. It was my choice, my decision to make and my choice was made long ago and has never wavered.
