Awakenings

It's times like these I wonder why I keep allowing myself to believe, to hope and dream. I see the words depart my lips, it's an actual visual event. Letters tumbling over one another as if battling for space, all conveying the same message: 'I'm giving in to the weight, I'm going to be a realist, I'm going to admit my defeat and finally allow myself to understand that this is as good as it gets. This moment right here, once it's gone...I'll be alone 'mostly' from thereon forward.'  I see the words, the individual letters, I hear the syllables and tone of my voice. I taste the bitterness of what they mean. And yet, even with that I still can't let myself actually embrace the magnitude, the reality, the acid burn of the situation.

Contrary to what you, or even I, might be thinking...I'm not sticking my head in the sand anymore. I know what is going on. I've suspected for as long as I've known he's married. Of course there was some lingering hope that perhaps I was wrong, that maybe he really was pulling away, emotionally and physically distant from her. I know better now. Whether it be from sights witnessed by my own eyes, a gut feeling, or other evidence ...is ultimately irrelevant. All that truly matters is that I have a full grasp of everything.

For such a long time I used to think that there was something 'special' about the fact that I knew 'everything'. I knew about her, I knew about their relationship...when they were together, what they talked about etc. I wasn't the one being betrayed

You might think that I blame him in all this. You might even believe I'd be right and justified to do so.   However, I see it all rather differently. I'm the one that allows this to happen. I choose to allow myself to believe the rosier side of things versus looking at the reality that is glaring in my face. For the first time in forever he actually jumped and snatched his phone away from me today when I reached for it. With the statement of 'let me clear this before you see something you don't want to before going through my phone'. Really?!  Going through your phone...yes that was my plan as we were sitting shoulder to shoulder. And just what in the fuck were you talking about with the wife at 0100 or 0200 her time. Yeah I'm sure that was you just 'playing along' and 'keeping suspicions down'. Riiiight. Just like you supposedly never have intimate conversations with her.....uh huh. And I just saw Aladdin fly by on his magical Arabian carpet.

But once again, I choose this. I love him. I choose what I'm willing to tolerate and endure, and while the need to vent is likely to happen often...hell I'm sure with increasing frequency, I'm not going anywhere. He, our son...our love...they're my life.  So whatever it is that I have to shoulder to continue having all of that...I will. It was my choice, my decision to make and my choice was made long ago and has never wavered.

Torment and Happiness

It's been awhile for sure. Much has changed.

While I'd once only suspected I was your mistress, I've since found that is indeed my reality. A reality that you try to reassure me you're trying to change.  Deep down I think I know it never will. You'd have changed it if you were going to by now. We're two years into our relationship, we love each other, you say you're happiest with me...yet still I remain a mistress. I reckon I always will. That's my penance to pay, for what?  I don't know...but I'm sure in some way shape or form I'm getting exactly what I deserve. Karma and all that jazz.

I'm also nearly 5 months pregnant with our son. A son your family will likely never know about, or at the very least won't know about until they've lost a goodly portion of irretrievable moments with him...and he with them. To be honest though, it is what it is. You've chosen that for your family, even if I could never do that to my own. I can't imagine denying my parents the right to know their grandson, or my girls the right to know their brother. I can't imagine allowing my son to be kept hidden and a secret, like he's shameful.  He is in a way I guess....fatherless on his paperwork, and conceived in the midst of an affair.

I'm thankful I have him. I'm thankful my family will have unfettered access to him. I'm thankful you've stood by me and given me a way to keep him. I'm already more proud of him, and love him deeper than I could have ever imagined. While I dread the hard questions I'll have to answer as he ages...to include likely lying to him about his own father's name..he is a source of immense joy to me and I wouldn't change this surprise in my life for anything. I'm a practiced single mom...if things end up as I suspect they might, I know he, the girls and I will make it through ok somehow.

I suppose this all sounds rather cynical. That's because you're home with your wife right now. I haven't seen your face in nearly a week, or heard your voice in the same amount of time. The communication has once again disappeared into a vacuum for us...at a time when I need it the most. Of course, just as in Dec you're promising me that you'll 'do your best' not to fuck your wife while you're home. I believed you in Dec that you didn't....not so sure I believe you this time around. It's suspect. It's easy to tell me you haven't simply to keep me placated. I don't know if you'll really tell me of a slip up since you know how that affects me. Besides...how would I ever know the truth. Not like she will tell me. I hope you're actually being good...not that I have any right at all to ask for that.

Once again....I fucking hate this. As I'm venting I'm finding myself becoming increasingly angry at the scenario as it stands in this moment. God what I wouldn't give to disappear in an alcohol and pill induced coma until the end of the month...