Torment and Happiness

It's been awhile for sure. Much has changed.

While I'd once only suspected I was your mistress, I've since found that is indeed my reality. A reality that you try to reassure me you're trying to change.  Deep down I think I know it never will. You'd have changed it if you were going to by now. We're two years into our relationship, we love each other, you say you're happiest with me...yet still I remain a mistress. I reckon I always will. That's my penance to pay, for what?  I don't know...but I'm sure in some way shape or form I'm getting exactly what I deserve. Karma and all that jazz.

I'm also nearly 5 months pregnant with our son. A son your family will likely never know about, or at the very least won't know about until they've lost a goodly portion of irretrievable moments with him...and he with them. To be honest though, it is what it is. You've chosen that for your family, even if I could never do that to my own. I can't imagine denying my parents the right to know their grandson, or my girls the right to know their brother. I can't imagine allowing my son to be kept hidden and a secret, like he's shameful.  He is in a way I guess....fatherless on his paperwork, and conceived in the midst of an affair.

I'm thankful I have him. I'm thankful my family will have unfettered access to him. I'm thankful you've stood by me and given me a way to keep him. I'm already more proud of him, and love him deeper than I could have ever imagined. While I dread the hard questions I'll have to answer as he ages...to include likely lying to him about his own father's name..he is a source of immense joy to me and I wouldn't change this surprise in my life for anything. I'm a practiced single mom...if things end up as I suspect they might, I know he, the girls and I will make it through ok somehow.

I suppose this all sounds rather cynical. That's because you're home with your wife right now. I haven't seen your face in nearly a week, or heard your voice in the same amount of time. The communication has once again disappeared into a vacuum for us...at a time when I need it the most. Of course, just as in Dec you're promising me that you'll 'do your best' not to fuck your wife while you're home. I believed you in Dec that you didn't....not so sure I believe you this time around. It's suspect. It's easy to tell me you haven't simply to keep me placated. I don't know if you'll really tell me of a slip up since you know how that affects me. Besides...how would I ever know the truth. Not like she will tell me. I hope you're actually being good...not that I have any right at all to ask for that.

Once again....I fucking hate this. As I'm venting I'm finding myself becoming increasingly angry at the scenario as it stands in this moment. God what I wouldn't give to disappear in an alcohol and pill induced coma until the end of the month...