I feel like I'm dying. A slow death, where I'm slowly sinking below the dark waters. I can't breathe. Already I'm struggling to keep my head above the surface. The water is always something that provided comfort for me, now its going to be my demise, and I know it and realize there is nothing I can do to prevent it. My heart is drowning in its own tears, a much more powerful death Truly bringing about its own destruction through its own actions, and unable to stop. It won't get any easier not as long as you continue this charade with her. It will only get tougher. I will only suffer more. I will only learn to hide my pain (thus appear stronger) more effectively to prevent you from suffering with me. I must protect you from what it is I feel, from what your actions with her are doing to me, costing me.....the destruction its ravaging on my soul.
I'm tucking in now, my Nyquil and Valium have kicked in and God willing there will be no dreams tonight. For good measure I've got my vodka on hand for a quick swallow before closing my eyes. You aren't here, or there, or anywhere to save me now from my own darkest fears. For the next two weeks, I'm utterly alone.
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