So here we are, just about at the half-way point to your coming back home for r&r, and I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. I know that I desperately want you here. I cannot, absolutely cannot wait for you to get home. To my home. To spend time with me. I also can't wait for the relief that comes with knowing, even if only for a short while, you're safe. I know I don't talk about it a lot...but I'm so scared for you over there. It doesn't do any good to moan and groan about it. You're doing what you have to do, and you're no stranger to being in that environment. I also know that this is voluntary, so I really can't bemoan it too much, since honestly, you could come home at any time. However, I still worry about you, I love you...and I can't begin to imagine what horror it would be to get that email telling me you are hurt or worse.
As much as I love all of that. The thought of having you safe, of having you in my arms, of being able to do nothing more than lie there, look at you...touch your face and kiss your lips the moment the desire strikes me...is wonderful. It comes with the knowledge of knowing that once again I'll have to endure you going home to your ex. Making love to her. Telling her you love her. Saying things, that I've come to desire only be said to me. Things that I hate that you could even imagine saying or doing to another woman....forget about actually doing them. I hate the endless nightmares that I know will haunt me whether or not my eyes are closed...the sleep that will be nothing short than torture even with the mind dulling alcohol or drugs. I know that for the 16 days I'll be apart from you I'll manage it. I'll brave the goodbye, I'll endure the separation...I'll drink my way through what you do with her. I just hate knowing now, what it will be like...and that its coming...there's nothing I can do to stop it.
I wish somehow I could make you understand the pain. That there were nights in September that I almost thought of death as a release. No, I'm not suicidal my love. Never that. But, in those dark moments when the images...the sounds of you with her wouldn't leave even when I was awake....I could envy complete darkness, the inability to feel. I tore down my walls to love you fully. To love you completely. To lose myself in you. Lose myself I have. Never have I loved like this, trusted like this...never have I been this vulnerable. This removal of protection, this absence of any sort of stone around me....its left me open to being wounded beyond anything I imagined possible before. There can be no greater pain than loving another human being completely...mind, body and soul. To know that you'd give up everything for that person, nothing you wouldn't do. And then to watch that person walk away, and have to dream every night what comfort they take from the other woman he loves. Yes, there are times where death seems not so painful as this. Which is why, I may never let you see the true depth of my despair at what it is you're doing. I could never stand by and watch you suffer the way I am...and I know you would if you knew what it was I had to endure to give you what you need.
Today I saw a collage of videos showing various proposals. Some were as hilarious as they were creative. An elephant flipping a sign at a wildlife park to propose the trainer's girlfriend in the crowd, a woman receiving a ring on a ferris wheel overlooking the Eiffel Tower, a man and woman in a play acting as bride and groom when he drops on his knee for a real proposal. Then there was one I saw that was amusing...mostly because it reminded me of us. I believe it may have been Christmas, and he was proposing with a wrapped ring. When she lept into his arms, it became apparent that she was wearing bright red footed pjs. Totally could picture myself in that moment, and I'll have to remember at some point (likely this evening) to remind you not to propose to me while I'm still adorned in footed pjs of one fashion or another.
Right now I'm soaking in the tub...waiting for time to pass a little more quickly so that I can get in a quick chat with you after your breakfast and you start your day. I'm excited about this evening (your time) Skype session. For the first time since you've been in BAF there should be no interruptions, no one in the house, and I'm thrilled at having you all to myself. Hopefully it will be as wonderful a chat as it was yesterday. For now I need to wrap this up, get myself together....and watch time tick away until our encounter.
I love you madly, now and forever...hopefully one day...and soon all the ugliness of this will go away forever.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Deployment: Day 24
My love,
Brilliant chat this morning, and great Skype last night. You're now in BAF. You gave me a text just before leaving and of course another on your arrival. I wonder if you realize how I hold my breath every time you're in transit around that God forsaken country. I suspect that you probably do.
Brilliant chat this morning, and great Skype last night. You're now in BAF. You gave me a text just before leaving and of course another on your arrival. I wonder if you realize how I hold my breath every time you're in transit around that God forsaken country. I suspect that you probably do.
Deployment: Day 25
I'm lonely. Christ I'm lonely tonight...I don't know why I'm feeling so down this evening. Things are generally going really well for us, as well as can be expected seeing as how I'm still the mistress. I think every day that goes by I want you more and more. I love you more and more. The ache at the thought of you choosing against me in the end is more and more painful to imagine. Its simply getting to where I can't imagine being without you...I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
We've just had our Skype date interrupted due to A-stan internet issues. All things considered we should count ourselves fortunate I'm sure...this is, after all, the first time we've had to cancel a date entirely due to internet malfunctions. Its probably just as well, I know you don't like seeing me in this melancholy mood, and you did have some work to get done. I just miss you so damn much, I really wanted to spend some time just being with you today.
There's really not much else to say tonight. I just miss you...tremendously...hopefully I can see you in a few hours. For now I'm going to try hard to get some sleep. I love you.
We've just had our Skype date interrupted due to A-stan internet issues. All things considered we should count ourselves fortunate I'm sure...this is, after all, the first time we've had to cancel a date entirely due to internet malfunctions. Its probably just as well, I know you don't like seeing me in this melancholy mood, and you did have some work to get done. I just miss you so damn much, I really wanted to spend some time just being with you today.
There's really not much else to say tonight. I just miss you...tremendously...hopefully I can see you in a few hours. For now I'm going to try hard to get some sleep. I love you.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Deployment: Day 23
So an interesting day for us today. I read you a couple of my blogs from back in September today. I think you were a bit surprised but what you heard. I had a feeling that might be the case. I know you thought you knew what I was going through, but I also knew you really had no idea. Even after me pouring myself out to feel somewhat in control of things...and even after you getting an inside look...I know you still don't completely get it. You really need to be here, fly on the wall style, seeing me. I think if you saw the daily look on my face, my bed torn up from the nightmares, and the eyes filled with tears I'm afraid to let fall you'd get a better taste of it all. You'll never see that though, that's a side of me that I can describe until I'm blue in the face but you'll never get it. Its something you have to see and experience, not just be told about.
There was that, sort of feeling out your emotions behind what I read to you this morning...and then there was the unexpected reaction when I asked about the date of your divorce. I think, if I remember correctly, I was asking because I was fixing to make a point about there needing to be time to heal following a divorce. But, even though you had been divorced for 'X' number or years (hence me asking the date, so I was accurate in my accounting), that because of your history, and her always holding a flame for you...neither of you ever really moved on. You both knew there was an option of reuniting so you never worked on rebuilding a new relationship. Of course I can be totally wrong in my assessment, but the point never got made...and this is why:
You freaked. You damn near bit my head off asking me 'What the hell does it matter?'. I was so taken aback by your aggressive reaction, I didn't even think to be somewhat offended that you had bit my head off over something that is a pretty harmless, and I might add, pretty normal question between folks that are dating and have divorced histories. To me its no different than asking 'How long were you married?' or 'Why did y'all separate'. I just don't get the freak out. For the briefest of moments it made me wonder if you were in fact divorced at all. I mean, lets be honest you still wear your wedding band even if it is at your daughter's request. Of course, I only found out you were wearing your wedding band still just a few weeks ago, right after you returned from being home on leave. I have no idea what to think, but to say the least, it rubbed me the wrong way. Does it rattle my trust in you? No. I just feel like you're not giving me the whole story on something. Whether that be for my protection, yours or both of us...I know there is something missing. I just hope it isn't something that is going to be too terrible to deal with when the time is right to discuss it.
Now I'm relaxing at home waiting for it to be time to meet you on Skype in about 45 minutes. I can't wait. I still get all sorts of butterflies when I'm waiting to see you, and even when I first see you sign on, or walk into a room..or hear your voice on the phone for that matter. It still makes my heart do a little flip, and I love it! Every now and again (much more frequently than I could have ever imagined) you will drop me these little love notes, say these things to me, or confess some inner expression of love to me...or even just do something as crazy as sitting by all day to watch me sleep at night...or reading to me over the phone until I drift off because I've had a nightmare. You make me feel like a little girl, safe under her guardians protection. Your love has me so enveloped, so wrapped in this warm safe place where no harm could ever come to me. I feel like I've only had a taste of your love, and every day you give me more and more. For once I'm excited about what the future, what my future with a man looks like...I finally coming out of the dark place and into the sun. You've found me, I'm not lost anymore...
There was that, sort of feeling out your emotions behind what I read to you this morning...and then there was the unexpected reaction when I asked about the date of your divorce. I think, if I remember correctly, I was asking because I was fixing to make a point about there needing to be time to heal following a divorce. But, even though you had been divorced for 'X' number or years (hence me asking the date, so I was accurate in my accounting), that because of your history, and her always holding a flame for you...neither of you ever really moved on. You both knew there was an option of reuniting so you never worked on rebuilding a new relationship. Of course I can be totally wrong in my assessment, but the point never got made...and this is why:
You freaked. You damn near bit my head off asking me 'What the hell does it matter?'. I was so taken aback by your aggressive reaction, I didn't even think to be somewhat offended that you had bit my head off over something that is a pretty harmless, and I might add, pretty normal question between folks that are dating and have divorced histories. To me its no different than asking 'How long were you married?' or 'Why did y'all separate'. I just don't get the freak out. For the briefest of moments it made me wonder if you were in fact divorced at all. I mean, lets be honest you still wear your wedding band even if it is at your daughter's request. Of course, I only found out you were wearing your wedding band still just a few weeks ago, right after you returned from being home on leave. I have no idea what to think, but to say the least, it rubbed me the wrong way. Does it rattle my trust in you? No. I just feel like you're not giving me the whole story on something. Whether that be for my protection, yours or both of us...I know there is something missing. I just hope it isn't something that is going to be too terrible to deal with when the time is right to discuss it.
Now I'm relaxing at home waiting for it to be time to meet you on Skype in about 45 minutes. I can't wait. I still get all sorts of butterflies when I'm waiting to see you, and even when I first see you sign on, or walk into a room..or hear your voice on the phone for that matter. It still makes my heart do a little flip, and I love it! Every now and again (much more frequently than I could have ever imagined) you will drop me these little love notes, say these things to me, or confess some inner expression of love to me...or even just do something as crazy as sitting by all day to watch me sleep at night...or reading to me over the phone until I drift off because I've had a nightmare. You make me feel like a little girl, safe under her guardians protection. Your love has me so enveloped, so wrapped in this warm safe place where no harm could ever come to me. I feel like I've only had a taste of your love, and every day you give me more and more. For once I'm excited about what the future, what my future with a man looks like...I finally coming out of the dark place and into the sun. You've found me, I'm not lost anymore...
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Deployment: Day 22 B
So I wrote a rather late posting yesterday which actually qualified as being posted today on day 22, really it should be a day 21 posting...in the grand scheme of things I reckon it doesn't really matter. Things are holding steady for us right now. Us as a couple are doing well I think, our conversations for the most part, have been light and fun. We are definitely connecting extremely well sexually, and God knows our love for each other seems to be doing nothing but growing. All in all I think we're in a good place. Surprising given that just a week and a half ago your ex had discovered us and demanded you walk away.
I honestly didn't expect to have you come back to me. Of course, it wasn't in the way I would have fully hoped. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a large part of me hoping beyond anything, that you'd choose to walk away from your ex and stay with me. Without a doubt I knew that there was not a hope in the world of that actually happening. However, that would have been my happy little wish come true out of a nightmarish situation. I believed you'd walk, I believed that you would say you were destroyed but you had to leave. I never really expected you to stay, and in smaller order you really did make my dream come true.
Is it bad that my 'dream come true' is for you to come back so I can remain a mistress? Probably. I'm not blind to that, I can't be, I simply have to keep my head out of the clouds for as long as possible this time around. I also know that I may not be able to keep that up long term. Its so easy to get lost in the fantasy of living happily ever after with you, especially since its a fantasy that you agree is more than a fantasy. You agree its a possibility, and something that you too, desire. I suppose looking at myself as a mistress right now is simply premature. As of right now I'm dating you. You have another woman you're dating, that you're intimate with. I get that. Some folks would say that what you're doing is wrong. There are plenty that would say since you're not married, not engaged, that really there is nothing wrong in what we're doing.
Except...for this...
I'm not allowed, and neither is Tara, to browse the market as you take your time between both of us. Frankly its not something I want, I have less than zero desire to see what else is out there...but there is something that feels a bit off about not even having the option if I want to keep you in my life. Again, probably just me having a temper tantrum of sorts. Definitely nothing I'd ever voice to you. The reason I'd never voice it is because its nothing I'm taking seriously. I don't actually want to browse the market....I just sort of hate that it feels like a 'do as I say, not as I do' sort of situation. Its something I don't expect from you, but I realize that's partially because there are feelings involved not logical thinking. I know viscerally you just cannot stand the idea of someone else holding me or your ex...I get that. But I also have the right to let it piss me off a bit.
I'm sure there was a lot more I intended to put into this, but to be honest our chat time on Skype is quickly approaching and I don't want to miss it....I love you...always I love you...
I honestly didn't expect to have you come back to me. Of course, it wasn't in the way I would have fully hoped. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a large part of me hoping beyond anything, that you'd choose to walk away from your ex and stay with me. Without a doubt I knew that there was not a hope in the world of that actually happening. However, that would have been my happy little wish come true out of a nightmarish situation. I believed you'd walk, I believed that you would say you were destroyed but you had to leave. I never really expected you to stay, and in smaller order you really did make my dream come true.
Is it bad that my 'dream come true' is for you to come back so I can remain a mistress? Probably. I'm not blind to that, I can't be, I simply have to keep my head out of the clouds for as long as possible this time around. I also know that I may not be able to keep that up long term. Its so easy to get lost in the fantasy of living happily ever after with you, especially since its a fantasy that you agree is more than a fantasy. You agree its a possibility, and something that you too, desire. I suppose looking at myself as a mistress right now is simply premature. As of right now I'm dating you. You have another woman you're dating, that you're intimate with. I get that. Some folks would say that what you're doing is wrong. There are plenty that would say since you're not married, not engaged, that really there is nothing wrong in what we're doing.
Except...for this...
I'm not allowed, and neither is Tara, to browse the market as you take your time between both of us. Frankly its not something I want, I have less than zero desire to see what else is out there...but there is something that feels a bit off about not even having the option if I want to keep you in my life. Again, probably just me having a temper tantrum of sorts. Definitely nothing I'd ever voice to you. The reason I'd never voice it is because its nothing I'm taking seriously. I don't actually want to browse the market....I just sort of hate that it feels like a 'do as I say, not as I do' sort of situation. Its something I don't expect from you, but I realize that's partially because there are feelings involved not logical thinking. I know viscerally you just cannot stand the idea of someone else holding me or your ex...I get that. But I also have the right to let it piss me off a bit.
I'm sure there was a lot more I intended to put into this, but to be honest our chat time on Skype is quickly approaching and I don't want to miss it....I love you...always I love you...
Deployment: Day 22
I miss him. That's really the bottom line. Its what shapes everything that I do. Its a constant pull on my heart, as regular as its beating and as my breathing in and out. Its inescapable, and for the most part...I'm OK with that. I don't want to lose the pain of missing him. Why should I? After all, that pain is what makes our reunions so sweet, and my love for him all the more obvious.
Today we're a few more days past Tara finding out about us. I know he's minimized me in his life. He had to to work things out with her. I despise the idea of him telling her I don't matter, that our love is nothing, that everything we share is nothing. It feels like a betrayal...a deep betrayal...down deep to my core. I don't know how to cope with that. I'm not sure I can. It definitely wounded me. I knew it was what was going to happen, I also know I should be feeling nothing but thankful that he didn't get rid of me entirely. I was at first, I didn't care what it took, I just wanted to keep him in my life.
As time has gone on, the details of it all have increasingly become bothersome to me. I'm angry but I have to hide it. I'm wounded but I can't let it show. I'm becoming destroyed in ways that I have to fight hard to never let him see. Should the truth ever surface, I know he'll leave me. If for no other reason than the fact that he does love me...and I know he'd not want to continue letting me hurt like this.
Then that raises the question...if he truly loves me, how could he possibly let me hurt like this. I mean, even the amount he sees. I know he feels its love, I know I do too. But I also know I'd do anything for him. There's nothing I wouldn't do. I know its not the same for him. He'll not leave his ex, Tara. He also says, frequently, he'd never do what I'm doing for me. He'd never sit by while I was intimate with him and another waiting for me to make a decision. What, then, am I doing here? I don't know sometimes. The only answer that makes sense is that I do love him...I have faith in my gut instinct that he has already chosen me, and is just in the long process of goodbye. How will I ever know what could have been between us if I cut and run before he's made a decision? I simply can't live with that lack of knowledge. I love him more than anything, he's my life...he's my soul mate. Of that I'm sure. I have to give us every chance possible. We deserve that of each other.
Christ...maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. I don't really know anymore...
More to come tomorrow...
Today we're a few more days past Tara finding out about us. I know he's minimized me in his life. He had to to work things out with her. I despise the idea of him telling her I don't matter, that our love is nothing, that everything we share is nothing. It feels like a betrayal...a deep betrayal...down deep to my core. I don't know how to cope with that. I'm not sure I can. It definitely wounded me. I knew it was what was going to happen, I also know I should be feeling nothing but thankful that he didn't get rid of me entirely. I was at first, I didn't care what it took, I just wanted to keep him in my life.
As time has gone on, the details of it all have increasingly become bothersome to me. I'm angry but I have to hide it. I'm wounded but I can't let it show. I'm becoming destroyed in ways that I have to fight hard to never let him see. Should the truth ever surface, I know he'll leave me. If for no other reason than the fact that he does love me...and I know he'd not want to continue letting me hurt like this.
Then that raises the question...if he truly loves me, how could he possibly let me hurt like this. I mean, even the amount he sees. I know he feels its love, I know I do too. But I also know I'd do anything for him. There's nothing I wouldn't do. I know its not the same for him. He'll not leave his ex, Tara. He also says, frequently, he'd never do what I'm doing for me. He'd never sit by while I was intimate with him and another waiting for me to make a decision. What, then, am I doing here? I don't know sometimes. The only answer that makes sense is that I do love him...I have faith in my gut instinct that he has already chosen me, and is just in the long process of goodbye. How will I ever know what could have been between us if I cut and run before he's made a decision? I simply can't live with that lack of knowledge. I love him more than anything, he's my life...he's my soul mate. Of that I'm sure. I have to give us every chance possible. We deserve that of each other.
Christ...maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. I don't really know anymore...
More to come tomorrow...
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