So an interesting day for us today. I read you a couple of my blogs from back in September today. I think you were a bit surprised but what you heard. I had a feeling that might be the case. I know you thought you knew what I was going through, but I also knew you really had no idea. Even after me pouring myself out to feel somewhat in control of things...and even after you getting an inside look...I know you still don't completely get it. You really need to be here, fly on the wall style, seeing me. I think if you saw the daily look on my face, my bed torn up from the nightmares, and the eyes filled with tears I'm afraid to let fall you'd get a better taste of it all. You'll never see that though, that's a side of me that I can describe until I'm blue in the face but you'll never get it. Its something you have to see and experience, not just be told about.
There was that, sort of feeling out your emotions behind what I read to you this morning...and then there was the unexpected reaction when I asked about the date of your divorce. I think, if I remember correctly, I was asking because I was fixing to make a point about there needing to be time to heal following a divorce. But, even though you had been divorced for 'X' number or years (hence me asking the date, so I was accurate in my accounting), that because of your history, and her always holding a flame for you...neither of you ever really moved on. You both knew there was an option of reuniting so you never worked on rebuilding a new relationship. Of course I can be totally wrong in my assessment, but the point never got made...and this is why:
You freaked. You damn near bit my head off asking me 'What the hell does it matter?'. I was so taken aback by your aggressive reaction, I didn't even think to be somewhat offended that you had bit my head off over something that is a pretty harmless, and I might add, pretty normal question between folks that are dating and have divorced histories. To me its no different than asking 'How long were you married?' or 'Why did y'all separate'. I just don't get the freak out. For the briefest of moments it made me wonder if you were in fact divorced at all. I mean, lets be honest you still wear your wedding band even if it is at your daughter's request. Of course, I only found out you were wearing your wedding band still just a few weeks ago, right after you returned from being home on leave. I have no idea what to think, but to say the least, it rubbed me the wrong way. Does it rattle my trust in you? No. I just feel like you're not giving me the whole story on something. Whether that be for my protection, yours or both of us...I know there is something missing. I just hope it isn't something that is going to be too terrible to deal with when the time is right to discuss it.
Now I'm relaxing at home waiting for it to be time to meet you on Skype in about 45 minutes. I can't wait. I still get all sorts of butterflies when I'm waiting to see you, and even when I first see you sign on, or walk into a room..or hear your voice on the phone for that matter. It still makes my heart do a little flip, and I love it! Every now and again (much more frequently than I could have ever imagined) you will drop me these little love notes, say these things to me, or confess some inner expression of love to me...or even just do something as crazy as sitting by all day to watch me sleep at night...or reading to me over the phone until I drift off because I've had a nightmare. You make me feel like a little girl, safe under her guardians protection. Your love has me so enveloped, so wrapped in this warm safe place where no harm could ever come to me. I feel like I've only had a taste of your love, and every day you give me more and more. For once I'm excited about what the future, what my future with a man looks like...I finally coming out of the dark place and into the sun. You've found me, I'm not lost anymore...
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