Deployment: Day 22

I miss him.  That's really the bottom line.  Its what shapes everything that I do.  Its a constant pull on my heart, as regular as its beating and as my breathing in and out.  Its inescapable, and for the most part...I'm OK with that.  I don't want to lose the pain of missing him.  Why should I?  After all, that pain is what makes our reunions so sweet, and my love for him all the more obvious. 

Today we're a few more days past Tara finding out about us.  I know he's minimized me in his life.  He had to to work things out with her.  I despise the idea of him telling her I don't matter, that our love is nothing, that everything we share is nothing.  It feels like a betrayal...a deep betrayal...down deep to my core.  I don't know how to cope with that.  I'm not sure I can.  It definitely wounded me.  I knew it was what was going to happen, I also know I should be feeling nothing but thankful that he didn't get rid of me entirely.  I was at first, I didn't care what it took, I just wanted to keep him in my life.

As time has gone on, the details of it all have increasingly become bothersome to me.  I'm angry but I have to hide it.  I'm wounded but I can't let it show.  I'm becoming destroyed in ways that I have to fight hard to never let him see.  Should the truth ever surface, I know he'll leave me.  If for no other reason than the fact that he does love me...and I know he'd not want to continue letting me hurt like this. 

Then that raises the question...if he truly loves me, how could he possibly let me hurt like this.  I mean, even the amount he sees.  I know he feels its love, I know I do too.  But I also know I'd do anything for him. There's nothing I wouldn't do.  I know its not the same for him.  He'll not leave his ex, Tara.  He also says, frequently, he'd never do what I'm doing for me.  He'd never sit by while I was intimate with him and another waiting for me to make a decision.  What, then, am I doing here?  I don't know sometimes.  The only answer that makes sense is that I do love him...I have faith in my gut instinct that he has already chosen me, and is just in the long process of goodbye.  How will I ever know what could have been between us if I cut and run before he's made a decision?  I simply can't live with that lack of knowledge.  I love him more than anything, he's my life...he's my soul mate.  Of that I'm sure.  I have to give us every chance possible.  We deserve that of each other.

Christ...maybe I'm just trying to convince myself.  I don't really know anymore...

More to come tomorrow...