So here we are, just about at the half-way point to your coming back home for r&r, and I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. I know that I desperately want you here. I cannot, absolutely cannot wait for you to get home. To my home. To spend time with me. I also can't wait for the relief that comes with knowing, even if only for a short while, you're safe. I know I don't talk about it a lot...but I'm so scared for you over there. It doesn't do any good to moan and groan about it. You're doing what you have to do, and you're no stranger to being in that environment. I also know that this is voluntary, so I really can't bemoan it too much, since honestly, you could come home at any time. However, I still worry about you, I love you...and I can't begin to imagine what horror it would be to get that email telling me you are hurt or worse.
As much as I love all of that. The thought of having you safe, of having you in my arms, of being able to do nothing more than lie there, look at you...touch your face and kiss your lips the moment the desire strikes me...is wonderful. It comes with the knowledge of knowing that once again I'll have to endure you going home to your ex. Making love to her. Telling her you love her. Saying things, that I've come to desire only be said to me. Things that I hate that you could even imagine saying or doing to another woman....forget about actually doing them. I hate the endless nightmares that I know will haunt me whether or not my eyes are closed...the sleep that will be nothing short than torture even with the mind dulling alcohol or drugs. I know that for the 16 days I'll be apart from you I'll manage it. I'll brave the goodbye, I'll endure the separation...I'll drink my way through what you do with her. I just hate knowing now, what it will be like...and that its coming...there's nothing I can do to stop it.
I wish somehow I could make you understand the pain. That there were nights in September that I almost thought of death as a release. No, I'm not suicidal my love. Never that. But, in those dark moments when the images...the sounds of you with her wouldn't leave even when I was awake....I could envy complete darkness, the inability to feel. I tore down my walls to love you fully. To love you completely. To lose myself in you. Lose myself I have. Never have I loved like this, trusted like this...never have I been this vulnerable. This removal of protection, this absence of any sort of stone around me....its left me open to being wounded beyond anything I imagined possible before. There can be no greater pain than loving another human being completely...mind, body and soul. To know that you'd give up everything for that person, nothing you wouldn't do. And then to watch that person walk away, and have to dream every night what comfort they take from the other woman he loves. Yes, there are times where death seems not so painful as this. Which is why, I may never let you see the true depth of my despair at what it is you're doing. I could never stand by and watch you suffer the way I am...and I know you would if you knew what it was I had to endure to give you what you need.
Today I saw a collage of videos showing various proposals. Some were as hilarious as they were creative. An elephant flipping a sign at a wildlife park to propose the trainer's girlfriend in the crowd, a woman receiving a ring on a ferris wheel overlooking the Eiffel Tower, a man and woman in a play acting as bride and groom when he drops on his knee for a real proposal. Then there was one I saw that was amusing...mostly because it reminded me of us. I believe it may have been Christmas, and he was proposing with a wrapped ring. When she lept into his arms, it became apparent that she was wearing bright red footed pjs. Totally could picture myself in that moment, and I'll have to remember at some point (likely this evening) to remind you not to propose to me while I'm still adorned in footed pjs of one fashion or another.
Right now I'm soaking in the tub...waiting for time to pass a little more quickly so that I can get in a quick chat with you after your breakfast and you start your day. I'm excited about this evening (your time) Skype session. For the first time since you've been in BAF there should be no interruptions, no one in the house, and I'm thrilled at having you all to myself. Hopefully it will be as wonderful a chat as it was yesterday. For now I need to wrap this up, get myself together....and watch time tick away until our encounter.
I love you madly, now and forever...hopefully one day...and soon all the ugliness of this will go away forever.
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