We've just spent the past 24 hours together it was amazing. The trip here was brutal to say the least. Started off with an emotional week dealing with insane family issues, my psychological ups and downs over our impending visit and the stress of whether or not I should even be going with all that's going on at home. As it was, I ended up here...and now I'm lying in bed watching as you message your family. Your Mom and Dad I suppose...but really the only words I hear when family is mentioned is my 'ex'. Its wrong of me I know. As you would say, its sort of spoilt brattish of me...and I can see the look clearly that you'd be giving me as I told you all this. One of frustration...and perhaps with the undertones of something more.
I can't help it, anytime you're texting someone, looking at your phone, looking at your computer...its always going to be because you're sending some love note some correspondence to her. You can tell me seven different ways till Sunday how that's not the case, how you have to do this to protect (y)our secret, how it has to be this way....but it doesn't change my visceral reaction. I can even tell myself the same words you'd say to me. I can even pretend to believe them on the surface....but the truth is, deep down, my gut reaction is that its something illicit. Its purely because of my jealousy, my extreme insecurity in all of this, and I just don't see any way to change it. All I can do is hope that in time I'll learn to cope better and push those feelings further down. The problem is, the longer this carries on, the harder it seems to be to hide certain things (even as I get better at hiding others)...Thank God you seem to have the patience of a saint when it comes to me.
I'm now out of our room, and sitting in IAH waiting for my flight. Its delayed two hours, but for now it looks as though I'm going to get on...so I'm pretty content with it all. I have plenty to keep me entertained. You left me with a wad of cash. I was incredibly tempted to sneak back into your bag this morning while you were soaking in your tub, but opted against it. I knew it would piss you off, our visit was too good to have it end that way. I didn't even look at it until I got to my gate $500 is too much, I know deep down you know that...but regardless I'm incredibly thankful.
Saying goodbye to you was heart wrenching. Literally. I could feel my stomach turning over and over as I walked you to the gate and gave you that last hug and kiss. This time there wasn't the angst and sorrow of knowing you were leaving me for someone else....but there's still the sadness of your leaving me. Its horrible to see someone you love, someone you feel part of leave you. Its like a part of my own flesh is being ripped away and the pain is very much a physical one. I literally had to clench my jaw, and brace myself as I walked away, I wanted to just crumple up and cry right there in the middle of the airport...even with hundreds of people all around. Every step I took walking away I felt myself getting more and more control, and I managed it without shedding a tear. I know they will fall by the thousands tonight when I fall asleep on my hippo's chest breathing in your smell and touching your shirt..and feeling you all around me.
Its time I wrap this up and start getting ready for my flight home...and then to hear from you again once you reach Afghanistan. Time to wait anxiously, praying that you make it to your FOB safe and sound. I love you, you're my everything. You were so so right when you said that every day that goes by we get deeper and deeper. You have changed me forever...
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