We've just spent the past 24 hours together it was amazing. The trip here was brutal to say the least. Started off with an emotional week dealing with insane family issues, my psychological ups and downs over our impending visit and the stress of whether or not I should even be going with all that's going on at home. As it was, I ended up here...and now I'm lying in bed watching as you message your family. Your Mom and Dad I suppose...but really the only words I hear when family is mentioned is my 'ex'. Its wrong of me I know. As you would say, its sort of spoilt brattish of me...and I can see the look clearly that you'd be giving me as I told you all this. One of frustration...and perhaps with the undertones of something more.
I can't help it, anytime you're texting someone, looking at your phone, looking at your computer...its always going to be because you're sending some love note some correspondence to her. You can tell me seven different ways till Sunday how that's not the case, how you have to do this to protect (y)our secret, how it has to be this way....but it doesn't change my visceral reaction. I can even tell myself the same words you'd say to me. I can even pretend to believe them on the surface....but the truth is, deep down, my gut reaction is that its something illicit. Its purely because of my jealousy, my extreme insecurity in all of this, and I just don't see any way to change it. All I can do is hope that in time I'll learn to cope better and push those feelings further down. The problem is, the longer this carries on, the harder it seems to be to hide certain things (even as I get better at hiding others)...Thank God you seem to have the patience of a saint when it comes to me.
I'm now out of our room, and sitting in IAH waiting for my flight. Its delayed two hours, but for now it looks as though I'm going to get on...so I'm pretty content with it all. I have plenty to keep me entertained. You left me with a wad of cash. I was incredibly tempted to sneak back into your bag this morning while you were soaking in your tub, but opted against it. I knew it would piss you off, our visit was too good to have it end that way. I didn't even look at it until I got to my gate $500 is too much, I know deep down you know that...but regardless I'm incredibly thankful.
Saying goodbye to you was heart wrenching. Literally. I could feel my stomach turning over and over as I walked you to the gate and gave you that last hug and kiss. This time there wasn't the angst and sorrow of knowing you were leaving me for someone else....but there's still the sadness of your leaving me. Its horrible to see someone you love, someone you feel part of leave you. Its like a part of my own flesh is being ripped away and the pain is very much a physical one. I literally had to clench my jaw, and brace myself as I walked away, I wanted to just crumple up and cry right there in the middle of the airport...even with hundreds of people all around. Every step I took walking away I felt myself getting more and more control, and I managed it without shedding a tear. I know they will fall by the thousands tonight when I fall asleep on my hippo's chest breathing in your smell and touching your shirt..and feeling you all around me.
Its time I wrap this up and start getting ready for my flight home...and then to hear from you again once you reach Afghanistan. Time to wait anxiously, praying that you make it to your FOB safe and sound. I love you, you're my everything. You were so so right when you said that every day that goes by we get deeper and deeper. You have changed me forever...
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Torture: Day 15
Nothing much to write today. I'm exhausted. I'm not sleeping well. Even with the pills and the vodka anymore. Nothing seems to help. I wake up and wander around in a daze from about 0500 until I try to go to sleep at 2300. Sometimes I nap, sometimes I don't. I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack constantly. I don't know what to do with myself. Don't know how to make this better, how to cope more effectively. The truth of it all is that I miss you, and I don't know how to stop missing you. I wish I could just remove you from my thoughts, like taking a picture off a shelf...but I can't. You're always there, always front and center and its because I love you so damn much.
I feel like I've finally reached a peak of exhaustion where my body won't be able to defy sleep anymore. I hope to God that's the case. I need some sleep before I get to you in 4 days. Maybe tonight's the night. All I know is I can't wait to see you. I love you. You're with your ex, I'm assuming sharing a bed, tonight. Tonight...once again I'll fall asleep wrapped around my stuffed animal hippo, once again alone....and once again lonely with no one to hold me. This is my future. Possibly for the rest of my life. What more is there to say?
I feel like I've finally reached a peak of exhaustion where my body won't be able to defy sleep anymore. I hope to God that's the case. I need some sleep before I get to you in 4 days. Maybe tonight's the night. All I know is I can't wait to see you. I love you. You're with your ex, I'm assuming sharing a bed, tonight. Tonight...once again I'll fall asleep wrapped around my stuffed animal hippo, once again alone....and once again lonely with no one to hold me. This is my future. Possibly for the rest of my life. What more is there to say?
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Torture: Day 14 Downhill Slide
Well here we are, just 5 days out from actually being together again. We emailed back and forth briefly this morning. You're missing your grandfather, my heart is breaking for you. I want so much to be there and comfort you...and yes part of me is pretty jealous that someone else is filling in that role for me. I realize that's a horrible thing to admit to, since in a pure sense of the word 'love' I should just be happy you're being comforted, the truth is...I am, but I just wish to hell it wasn't by her.
I'm nervous, again, about our time together. While this time won't have the horrible shadow of you leaving me to go to her, it still carries its own concerns. I hate sending you back to a war zone. I mean I really hate it! It makes me anxious as hell, even if it does mean I'll suddenly have a lot more contact with you. That's really one of only two upsides to you going back. I get tons of time with you again, and I don't have to worry about what you're doing alone with your ex. I'll also have the reality that the next time you fly home you'll be flying out here to spend time with me and my family/friends. I'm beyond excited about that, and everyone here is starting to get the same way. I suspect my excitement is contagious! Definitely a good thing...even if there is a really dark shadow on the backside of that visit. I'm going to try really hard not to think about that until you're much closer to coming home.
We're supposed to be meeting in Dubai in March. I'm not sure now if that's going to happen. I just started feeling out flights, and apparently that's a busy time of year to head to Dubai. Flights are ALREADY showing completely, or nearly full. Definitely not looking good. I'm not sure what are other options are, but I reckon we can talk about all of that once you're home in December. Who knows where we'll be by March...you may have had a change of heart by then. I think I believe, deep down, that is incredibly unlikely to happen. But I also believe, deep down, that in the end you're going to choose your ex...and I think its unrealistic to keep us both on the line until June. Eventually one of us is going to put your back to the wall....and the one of us is going to lose. I'm pretty sure I know who that woman is going to be.
I took a pregnancy test this morning. Today is the day I start a new packet of pills, you know, the ones that actually have hormones. I didn't want to start taking them if I somehow indeed ended up conceiving. I figured this morning was a good time to take the test since I had to take my first pill at noon. It came back positive. I definitely did a happy dance around my bathroom. As I was doing it, I imagined you walking by, catching me mid-dance and laughing your ass off at me. In any case....I was relieved to say the least. I reckon my body is still getting adjusted to being on the pills, hence the funky deal with my cycles....but...I also know that its likely just a matter of time before I have to come to you with a positive test. If we aren't already on the outs by then...I think that will be the final nail in my coffin I suspect. I know you'll never stop loving me...but I think it will end your desire to carry on a relationship with me. That makes me very sad...but there is really nothing I can do about it.
Tonight I'm off to Merle Haggard. Its something I would have loved to do with you. Instead I'm having to go on one of what I'm sure will be many 'friendly' dates. A good male friend asked me to go with him. He bought the tickets for him and his girlfriend and they broke up a few weeks ago. Lucky me for being in the right place at the right time. Needless to say you're going to be on my mind the whole night....as I said....this is something I should be sharing with you, not some man that really (in the grand scheme of things) means very little to me.
I guess that's all to be said in this 'edition'. I'm going to finish watching my Falcons wipe the field with the Chargers (another team I root for when they aren't facing down my Dirty Birds)...and then start getting ready to head to SF for the concert. I hope you're getting through everything OK. God knows I'm thinking of you...and your family (especially your Mom) right now. I love you...madly...
I'm nervous, again, about our time together. While this time won't have the horrible shadow of you leaving me to go to her, it still carries its own concerns. I hate sending you back to a war zone. I mean I really hate it! It makes me anxious as hell, even if it does mean I'll suddenly have a lot more contact with you. That's really one of only two upsides to you going back. I get tons of time with you again, and I don't have to worry about what you're doing alone with your ex. I'll also have the reality that the next time you fly home you'll be flying out here to spend time with me and my family/friends. I'm beyond excited about that, and everyone here is starting to get the same way. I suspect my excitement is contagious! Definitely a good thing...even if there is a really dark shadow on the backside of that visit. I'm going to try really hard not to think about that until you're much closer to coming home.
We're supposed to be meeting in Dubai in March. I'm not sure now if that's going to happen. I just started feeling out flights, and apparently that's a busy time of year to head to Dubai. Flights are ALREADY showing completely, or nearly full. Definitely not looking good. I'm not sure what are other options are, but I reckon we can talk about all of that once you're home in December. Who knows where we'll be by March...you may have had a change of heart by then. I think I believe, deep down, that is incredibly unlikely to happen. But I also believe, deep down, that in the end you're going to choose your ex...and I think its unrealistic to keep us both on the line until June. Eventually one of us is going to put your back to the wall....and the one of us is going to lose. I'm pretty sure I know who that woman is going to be.
I took a pregnancy test this morning. Today is the day I start a new packet of pills, you know, the ones that actually have hormones. I didn't want to start taking them if I somehow indeed ended up conceiving. I figured this morning was a good time to take the test since I had to take my first pill at noon. It came back positive. I definitely did a happy dance around my bathroom. As I was doing it, I imagined you walking by, catching me mid-dance and laughing your ass off at me. In any case....I was relieved to say the least. I reckon my body is still getting adjusted to being on the pills, hence the funky deal with my cycles....but...I also know that its likely just a matter of time before I have to come to you with a positive test. If we aren't already on the outs by then...I think that will be the final nail in my coffin I suspect. I know you'll never stop loving me...but I think it will end your desire to carry on a relationship with me. That makes me very sad...but there is really nothing I can do about it.
Tonight I'm off to Merle Haggard. Its something I would have loved to do with you. Instead I'm having to go on one of what I'm sure will be many 'friendly' dates. A good male friend asked me to go with him. He bought the tickets for him and his girlfriend and they broke up a few weeks ago. Lucky me for being in the right place at the right time. Needless to say you're going to be on my mind the whole night....as I said....this is something I should be sharing with you, not some man that really (in the grand scheme of things) means very little to me.
I guess that's all to be said in this 'edition'. I'm going to finish watching my Falcons wipe the field with the Chargers (another team I root for when they aren't facing down my Dirty Birds)...and then start getting ready to head to SF for the concert. I hope you're getting through everything OK. God knows I'm thinking of you...and your family (especially your Mom) right now. I love you...madly...
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Torture: Day 13 A New Epiphany
You're in Mississippi right now with your family. Your grandfather's wake is tomorrow and his funeral on Monday. You'll be back in touch, by phone I assume, on Tuesday. We've been emailing a little off and on today, but right now, right or wrong I'm taking a step back and just going to respond to what you send. I think this time 'apart' again may be a blessing in disguise. As much as I hate being away from you, I think I needed this to sort of think things over when the wounds of you being with your ex aren't so raw.
I've been considering everything this past 24 hours (and will continue to do so for a long time to come), and it seems to be I'm fighting way WAY more of an uphill battle than I had imagined recently. I saw some huge changes following our visit in Houston that left me feeling cautiously optimistic. Actually, if I'm being completely honest, it left me feeling damn near positive that in a very short period of time you'd be ending this charade and no longer splitting your love, and your body between me and another woman. I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Boy was I sorely mistaken.
While I do believe there were changes, and I also believe you are equally torn between the two of us. I started thinking about your time home on r&r. You constantly want to remind me that you aren't out there just to visit your ex, and while that may be true, I also know that you've spent several days vacationing with her and your daughter (happy family scenario), and now you're off to another family function (yes I get it, but its just another brick in the wall so to speak) as a family unit. I can't compete with that. I'm the woman on the outside and always will be. No one who has been present throughout your relationship (friends, family, your daughter) will see this as 'dating' or 'feeling things out'. This is you and her marching the slow path to reuniting, and every day, every moment you spend together as a couple. As husband and wife. As father and mother. As son/daughter 'in-laws', you're making it infinitely more difficult to come back and say you love someone else and this just isn't going to work.
You make it virtually impossible for there to be any future with me.
I wanted SO much to believe what I saw in your eyes in Houston. To believe what I felt in my heart the days following as I read your emails filled with words of love (to be honest I've never felt so swept off my feet in all my life)...and for awhile I did. However, the more I take a step back and look at things, I realize I'm just an escape for you. You love me, you love imagining a future with me when we're 'together', be it virtually over the phone, over Skype...or in reality hidden away in some unfamiliar city somewhere. I understand the appeal. Its my most happiest place as well. The place where my dreams come true, and I live happily ever after safe in the arms of the man I love more than I could ever imagine loving anyone. Hearing about your vacation with your ex and Ashley...and now off to your grandfather's funeral as a family again...I realized that it is nothing more than a beautiful dream that will never be.
Surprisingly I haven't really even cried over it yet. I expect to at some point, but it hasn't happened yet. I suppose this is because I'm not out of your life, and so for the most part nothing has changed. Except that I won't be escaping to that happy place ever again. I can't just bury the dream to reanimate it later. I can't push it aside for a short while. I can't put it on a shelf. I have to let it die. I have to let it die. I believe once this happens then the tears will come. In staggering amounts I'm sure. That's when I'll begin to mourn. That's when the reality of the life I've chosen will once and for all set in. That leaden cloak will drape itself over my shoulders and I'll have to steel myself to bear the weight. That's when I'll turn and face my chosen life as a mistress, as a man's woman on the side, for the first time. I'm frightened. I know I can cope with it. I know I've got the courage for that. What I don't have the courage for is walling in my heart again and saying goodbye. That would take an infinitely stronger woman than I am. I just can't build those walls all over again....
I've been considering everything this past 24 hours (and will continue to do so for a long time to come), and it seems to be I'm fighting way WAY more of an uphill battle than I had imagined recently. I saw some huge changes following our visit in Houston that left me feeling cautiously optimistic. Actually, if I'm being completely honest, it left me feeling damn near positive that in a very short period of time you'd be ending this charade and no longer splitting your love, and your body between me and another woman. I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Boy was I sorely mistaken.
While I do believe there were changes, and I also believe you are equally torn between the two of us. I started thinking about your time home on r&r. You constantly want to remind me that you aren't out there just to visit your ex, and while that may be true, I also know that you've spent several days vacationing with her and your daughter (happy family scenario), and now you're off to another family function (yes I get it, but its just another brick in the wall so to speak) as a family unit. I can't compete with that. I'm the woman on the outside and always will be. No one who has been present throughout your relationship (friends, family, your daughter) will see this as 'dating' or 'feeling things out'. This is you and her marching the slow path to reuniting, and every day, every moment you spend together as a couple. As husband and wife. As father and mother. As son/daughter 'in-laws', you're making it infinitely more difficult to come back and say you love someone else and this just isn't going to work.
You make it virtually impossible for there to be any future with me.
I wanted SO much to believe what I saw in your eyes in Houston. To believe what I felt in my heart the days following as I read your emails filled with words of love (to be honest I've never felt so swept off my feet in all my life)...and for awhile I did. However, the more I take a step back and look at things, I realize I'm just an escape for you. You love me, you love imagining a future with me when we're 'together', be it virtually over the phone, over Skype...or in reality hidden away in some unfamiliar city somewhere. I understand the appeal. Its my most happiest place as well. The place where my dreams come true, and I live happily ever after safe in the arms of the man I love more than I could ever imagine loving anyone. Hearing about your vacation with your ex and Ashley...and now off to your grandfather's funeral as a family again...I realized that it is nothing more than a beautiful dream that will never be.
Surprisingly I haven't really even cried over it yet. I expect to at some point, but it hasn't happened yet. I suppose this is because I'm not out of your life, and so for the most part nothing has changed. Except that I won't be escaping to that happy place ever again. I can't just bury the dream to reanimate it later. I can't push it aside for a short while. I can't put it on a shelf. I have to let it die. I have to let it die. I believe once this happens then the tears will come. In staggering amounts I'm sure. That's when I'll begin to mourn. That's when the reality of the life I've chosen will once and for all set in. That leaden cloak will drape itself over my shoulders and I'll have to steel myself to bear the weight. That's when I'll turn and face my chosen life as a mistress, as a man's woman on the side, for the first time. I'm frightened. I know I can cope with it. I know I've got the courage for that. What I don't have the courage for is walling in my heart again and saying goodbye. That would take an infinitely stronger woman than I am. I just can't build those walls all over again....
Friday, September 21, 2012
Torture: Day 12
Your grandfather passed away today. I've been in an unwarranted bitchy mood since yesterday evening, when I got this news it snapped me out of it. In all fairness, in only snapped me out of it for about half a day though I honestly don't know what my problem is. We've both agreed its hormones, I truly hope that's all it is. I don't like being this moody and pissed off all the time. You were right when you said earlier that I was fishing for a fight. I knew I was, I could feel every single sentence as it left my lips being combative, and I knew I should bite the words off...and yet with a raised eyebrow and fixed jaw I let the comments fly anyway. I don't like you seeing me like this, even if you do handle it without missing a beat.
We were having the most wonderful chat this afternoon. You soaking in your scented tub (I'm still chuckling to myself over that...as is my father ha ha ha), and me luxuriating in feeling close to you and loved by you. I know you hate hearing that I feel distant, but I do. Extremely distant. Almost to a point of not feeling you at all when I'm not hearing your voice or actively writing you. I don't know why that is. I know I don't love you any less. I know you don't love me any less. I know my desire to be right there tangled up with you is as strong as ever. It just feels as though there has been a wall put up between us that I can't quite get my head over. I don't know how to get through this over and over again if I'm always going to feel this way. Its so important to me to be able to feel you, even if I can't be with you. If I can't have that, or your physical presence, or the openness of loving you fully...then I just don't know how to get through this.
June is a long way away, and part of me (a large part) keeps reminding me there is a good chance you'll not make a choice between us even then...or that your choice will be to keep me as a mistress and her as your wife (which I suppose is the same thing as the former). Or so I say now. I haven't told you this yet...but the moment you fully choose her over me...I'm out. I can't do this forever. I love you too much now to be nothing more than a mistress...and 10% lover of you. If you only love me enough to give me 10% of your life...and yet won't let me find someone to hold me the other 90% of the time that you're holding her, there's no reason for me to stay. It will hammer into me once and for all that our love is truly unbalanced. Anyway, the point is, for now, I just don't know what the future holds anymore. I hate that you can't choose the way I think your heart is telling you too. I know your heart and soul yearn to be with me...I know you're scared because you still see me as an uncertain future. I'm afraid I'll never be able to make you trust me enough, even though I know I'm 100% worthy of it. I'd be yours forever if you'd have me. All you have to do is say yes.
I have no idea how I got onto this topic tonight its not where I intended to go, but right now its the topic that is all consuming. I know I'm going to piss you off more in the future with my demands for you to choose me, no matter how disguised they may be. You are entirely too capable of sniffing out my hidden meanings. I don't know how to help myself, although goodness knows I'm going to be trying hard upon your return to A-stan to play the nonchalant card and see where that gets me. I suspect you'll see right through it...but I'm hoping if nothing else it will alleviate some of the arguments I see brewing.
I'm talking myself in circles tonight. I need to just head to bed and try not think anymore. Its time my sleeping pill and my nightly dose of vodka carry me off anyway. I love you. I'm counting down the days (we're almost down to 6), to when we'll be in each others arms again and for a short while get to pretend to be a real couple. All I can think is soon my love soon...but goodness never soon enough for my heart....
We were having the most wonderful chat this afternoon. You soaking in your scented tub (I'm still chuckling to myself over that...as is my father ha ha ha), and me luxuriating in feeling close to you and loved by you. I know you hate hearing that I feel distant, but I do. Extremely distant. Almost to a point of not feeling you at all when I'm not hearing your voice or actively writing you. I don't know why that is. I know I don't love you any less. I know you don't love me any less. I know my desire to be right there tangled up with you is as strong as ever. It just feels as though there has been a wall put up between us that I can't quite get my head over. I don't know how to get through this over and over again if I'm always going to feel this way. Its so important to me to be able to feel you, even if I can't be with you. If I can't have that, or your physical presence, or the openness of loving you fully...then I just don't know how to get through this.
June is a long way away, and part of me (a large part) keeps reminding me there is a good chance you'll not make a choice between us even then...or that your choice will be to keep me as a mistress and her as your wife (which I suppose is the same thing as the former). Or so I say now. I haven't told you this yet...but the moment you fully choose her over me...I'm out. I can't do this forever. I love you too much now to be nothing more than a mistress...and 10% lover of you. If you only love me enough to give me 10% of your life...and yet won't let me find someone to hold me the other 90% of the time that you're holding her, there's no reason for me to stay. It will hammer into me once and for all that our love is truly unbalanced. Anyway, the point is, for now, I just don't know what the future holds anymore. I hate that you can't choose the way I think your heart is telling you too. I know your heart and soul yearn to be with me...I know you're scared because you still see me as an uncertain future. I'm afraid I'll never be able to make you trust me enough, even though I know I'm 100% worthy of it. I'd be yours forever if you'd have me. All you have to do is say yes.
I have no idea how I got onto this topic tonight its not where I intended to go, but right now its the topic that is all consuming. I know I'm going to piss you off more in the future with my demands for you to choose me, no matter how disguised they may be. You are entirely too capable of sniffing out my hidden meanings. I don't know how to help myself, although goodness knows I'm going to be trying hard upon your return to A-stan to play the nonchalant card and see where that gets me. I suspect you'll see right through it...but I'm hoping if nothing else it will alleviate some of the arguments I see brewing.
I'm talking myself in circles tonight. I need to just head to bed and try not think anymore. Its time my sleeping pill and my nightly dose of vodka carry me off anyway. I love you. I'm counting down the days (we're almost down to 6), to when we'll be in each others arms again and for a short while get to pretend to be a real couple. All I can think is soon my love soon...but goodness never soon enough for my heart....
Torture: Day 11/12
This one sort of carries over since I'm tucking into bed a lot later than is normal Had a girls night out tonight...took Lani out to reintroduce her to the single world. Her husband for 8 years (13 years together) walked out on her a few weeks ago. Needless to say she needed to get out and just have fun and be able to vent and enjoy herself. Sara and I really had a good time with her tonight, she's a great woman and I have no doubt, will eventually find the right one.
Today was rough today. I felt moody with you on the phone. I don't know why. I suppose it was just another frustrating day for me because I still hate the fact that you're keeping me and your ex in this sort of virtual no mans land until June. It sucks. I know you love me. I know you love me dearly. I know you love me so much that you'd marry me in a heartbeat given other circumstances. I know you want to have a baby together. I know you want to show me your home (as I'll be showing you mine shortly). I know you want to travel with me. I know you want to grow old together. I know you want all of this, and yet....you can't seem to let your past go...and move on with what will be our future. A friendship. a relationship with your ex (yes you'll always love her, just as I always love my ex...but that love will change into something less carnal in time), and a lifelong love relationship with me. I know you know we're right for each other...and I know you're scared of the unknown...I just wish you could trust in our love and in our hearts and move us forward. Life is so uncertain...I hate living like this when I think we both know what we want.
Something else to add to the roughness today. I had a few hours worth of spotting, which has now since departed. No big deal I suppose...except for the fact that you and I have already gone through one 'impossible' pregnancy while I had Mirena....and watched it fail. Now I've been on the pill...religiously I might add. I'll admit the first couple of days I wasn't exactly on the minute for taking them, but always within a half hour or so of each other. After day 3 or so, though, I was meticulous. Setting multiple reminders for myself as I slowly got back in the habit. I haven't missed a single one, or been later than 5 mins after the minute I should take it since then. But now....I don't know. I was 'supposed' to start my period around Monday or Tuesday...its Friday. I had some faint spotting on a day that could easily signal implantation, or just a light late period due to my body adjusting to the hormones of the pill. I don't know what to think.
We both knew this was risky...riskier than with Mirena. I think deep down we both knew this would happen eventually....but eventually to me was year(s) down the line...I mean good Lord, we only see each other for a few days every 90 days!!! And this the first time since the LAST oops!! I had NO idea my body was even capable this soon. I swear I hope it isn't another pregnancy. More than anything I want a baby WITH you. I don't want to be 'fertilized' by you...I don't want to do it alone and ashamed...I want us to be proud of our baby and get to enjoy the experience with all our hearts. I don't think we're there yet. I have to give it a few more days before taking a test. I'm thinking the morning of Sunday since that's when I'm supposed to start my next batch of 'active' (hormone) pills. I'd hate to start taking them again if I am, in fact, pregnant.
I have no idea what I'll do if I am. I'm trying not to think about it too much just yet. I have to come to you. I can't hid a damn thing from you it seems...and I don't really want to. I'm so scared this will drive you away from me, so part of me wants to just...make it go away before you ever know. I don't think I'm brave enough to do it. It goes against everything I believe...and besides, timing aside....I want to have your baby. Just...not like this. I want so much to make the decision together. For BOTH of us to be excited about the road we would plan to journey down, and to embrace it fully. To envelope ourselves from start to finish in the whole experience...from conception to raising our new little baby Waters together This is not how I want it....this is not what I think God intended. For now I'll just pray, alone, that its nothing more than my body still be a bit out of sorts.
I love you....desperately it seems. I'm praying the days go by a bit faster until you come home to my arms....
Today was rough today. I felt moody with you on the phone. I don't know why. I suppose it was just another frustrating day for me because I still hate the fact that you're keeping me and your ex in this sort of virtual no mans land until June. It sucks. I know you love me. I know you love me dearly. I know you love me so much that you'd marry me in a heartbeat given other circumstances. I know you want to have a baby together. I know you want to show me your home (as I'll be showing you mine shortly). I know you want to travel with me. I know you want to grow old together. I know you want all of this, and yet....you can't seem to let your past go...and move on with what will be our future. A friendship. a relationship with your ex (yes you'll always love her, just as I always love my ex...but that love will change into something less carnal in time), and a lifelong love relationship with me. I know you know we're right for each other...and I know you're scared of the unknown...I just wish you could trust in our love and in our hearts and move us forward. Life is so uncertain...I hate living like this when I think we both know what we want.
Something else to add to the roughness today. I had a few hours worth of spotting, which has now since departed. No big deal I suppose...except for the fact that you and I have already gone through one 'impossible' pregnancy while I had Mirena....and watched it fail. Now I've been on the pill...religiously I might add. I'll admit the first couple of days I wasn't exactly on the minute for taking them, but always within a half hour or so of each other. After day 3 or so, though, I was meticulous. Setting multiple reminders for myself as I slowly got back in the habit. I haven't missed a single one, or been later than 5 mins after the minute I should take it since then. But now....I don't know. I was 'supposed' to start my period around Monday or Tuesday...its Friday. I had some faint spotting on a day that could easily signal implantation, or just a light late period due to my body adjusting to the hormones of the pill. I don't know what to think.
We both knew this was risky...riskier than with Mirena. I think deep down we both knew this would happen eventually....but eventually to me was year(s) down the line...I mean good Lord, we only see each other for a few days every 90 days!!! And this the first time since the LAST oops!! I had NO idea my body was even capable this soon. I swear I hope it isn't another pregnancy. More than anything I want a baby WITH you. I don't want to be 'fertilized' by you...I don't want to do it alone and ashamed...I want us to be proud of our baby and get to enjoy the experience with all our hearts. I don't think we're there yet. I have to give it a few more days before taking a test. I'm thinking the morning of Sunday since that's when I'm supposed to start my next batch of 'active' (hormone) pills. I'd hate to start taking them again if I am, in fact, pregnant.
I have no idea what I'll do if I am. I'm trying not to think about it too much just yet. I have to come to you. I can't hid a damn thing from you it seems...and I don't really want to. I'm so scared this will drive you away from me, so part of me wants to just...make it go away before you ever know. I don't think I'm brave enough to do it. It goes against everything I believe...and besides, timing aside....I want to have your baby. Just...not like this. I want so much to make the decision together. For BOTH of us to be excited about the road we would plan to journey down, and to embrace it fully. To envelope ourselves from start to finish in the whole experience...from conception to raising our new little baby Waters together This is not how I want it....this is not what I think God intended. For now I'll just pray, alone, that its nothing more than my body still be a bit out of sorts.
I love you....desperately it seems. I'm praying the days go by a bit faster until you come home to my arms....
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Torture: Day 10
Not a lot to say tonight. We had a great phone chat, it was way overdue and definitely soothed my pain even if temporarily. It was reaffirmed how much you really do love me...I don't know why I constantly need this reaffirmation, I suppose it has something to do with you still being sexual with your ex. Gee..imagine that. You have been great in the patience department though, so I guess I shouldn't bitch too much. You definitely handle my occasional temper tantrums well.
The highlight of the chat for me, besides the obvious laughter...and of course our little bit of naughtiness...was us daydreaming together about our future wedding. Everything from the rings, to the location, time of year and attire. God that's such a happy place for me, and to be honest...I find it moderately amusing that you are so willing to humor me in these little fantasies. I think even more charming, is the fact that you actually seem to be an eager participant most of the time. Its more than a little endearing my love.
Today you gave me crap about my glitchy cell phone. Its been having issues for about the last year, and has been spiraling downwards at a rapid rate in the past few months. I have stubbornly been holding out in upgrading it, as I'm determined to get an iPhone...for a whole lot of reasons....and right now I haven't anywhere near the spare cash to do it. You'd probably shit a brick if you knew my current financial situation. Suffice it to say its the curse of being a single mom, but I'm a pro at digging myself out of these holes. So while I know you'd freak out, I know that in a few months I'll be moderately on my feet again (until the next unforeseen disaster strikes). With all that being said...you jokingly made reference to getting me a phone. I suppose there are a whole lot of women in my current state of affairs that would jump at the chance to have 'their man' take care of them in that way. I'm just not like that. I haven't had someone, other than family, buying things for me since my divorce. I haven't the slightest idea how to make myself feel comfortable with you doing things like that. Even the phone thing was just said in jest, I know there are going to be times in the future where I'm going to struggle with letting you provide little treats for me. I know its going to drive you nuts...I just hope I find the words to help you understand that you're going to have to be patient with me in that regard. Its just going to take time for me to feel OK with doing stuff like that.
Well now my sleeping pill has kicked in, earlier than normal, and I'm going to try and get a decent night's sleep tonight (yeah right). I get to talk to you tomorrow at 0800 my time, and I can't fucking wait!! Tomorrow we're 8 days from being in each other's arms again....I can't believe it, we're more than half way there. I love you....its all there is to say....
The highlight of the chat for me, besides the obvious laughter...and of course our little bit of naughtiness...was us daydreaming together about our future wedding. Everything from the rings, to the location, time of year and attire. God that's such a happy place for me, and to be honest...I find it moderately amusing that you are so willing to humor me in these little fantasies. I think even more charming, is the fact that you actually seem to be an eager participant most of the time. Its more than a little endearing my love.
Today you gave me crap about my glitchy cell phone. Its been having issues for about the last year, and has been spiraling downwards at a rapid rate in the past few months. I have stubbornly been holding out in upgrading it, as I'm determined to get an iPhone...for a whole lot of reasons....and right now I haven't anywhere near the spare cash to do it. You'd probably shit a brick if you knew my current financial situation. Suffice it to say its the curse of being a single mom, but I'm a pro at digging myself out of these holes. So while I know you'd freak out, I know that in a few months I'll be moderately on my feet again (until the next unforeseen disaster strikes). With all that being said...you jokingly made reference to getting me a phone. I suppose there are a whole lot of women in my current state of affairs that would jump at the chance to have 'their man' take care of them in that way. I'm just not like that. I haven't had someone, other than family, buying things for me since my divorce. I haven't the slightest idea how to make myself feel comfortable with you doing things like that. Even the phone thing was just said in jest, I know there are going to be times in the future where I'm going to struggle with letting you provide little treats for me. I know its going to drive you nuts...I just hope I find the words to help you understand that you're going to have to be patient with me in that regard. Its just going to take time for me to feel OK with doing stuff like that.
Well now my sleeping pill has kicked in, earlier than normal, and I'm going to try and get a decent night's sleep tonight (yeah right). I get to talk to you tomorrow at 0800 my time, and I can't fucking wait!! Tomorrow we're 8 days from being in each other's arms again....I can't believe it, we're more than half way there. I love you....its all there is to say....
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Torture: Day 9
Really not much to say today. Another terribly lonely day, mostly spent neurotically refreshing my email in the off chance an email might show from you, looking at your photos, snuggling with my hippo (who is wearing your clothes), and re-reading old letters between us. Between all that I got my girls off to school, made supper for the family and got in an evening run. I must say, the run was particularly invigorating even if it felt as though my feet were slapping out your name every time they made contact with the pavement..."Hun-ter, Hun-ter, Hun-ter" was all I heard in my head.
On my way to pick up Bee from cheer practice tonight Blake Shelton's "Who are you when I'm not looking" came on the radio. I got to hear it from start to finish. Ever since you told me that song made you think of me I can't hear it without thinking of you. I find it wonderful that you and I both share such a strong passion for music. That songs speak so intimately to us. I know I can send you some lyrics and you'll instantly know what I'm trying to say, its another one of those connections I find so amazing between us. I'm sure a love of music isn't all that rare, but its just another one of those things that added up with everything else that makes our relationship so damn special.
I'm lying in bed now, trying to type through an ever worsening headache, and wishing to God my damn sleeping pill would kick in sooner rather than later. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be receiving a phone call from you. I have no idea why I said 'supposed to be', I already know I will. You always make good on your word to me, sometimes even when I think (deep down) that there is no possible way you can carry out your promise. I've definitely come to rely on your honesty and integrity being solid as granite...its one of the few things that make this ledge I'm balancing on bearable. At least for now. I wish I could hide from you, better than I have, just how precarious a position I'm in, and just how narrow this ledge has become. I won't step off of it to safety, but I'm terrified I may end up tumbling over the side with no net. Anyway...I digress...your phone call...
I have no idea how I'm going to react to hearing your voice tomorrow. This is the longest we've gone in weeks without talking to one another. Its been excruciating, and yet I know there are worse evils to come in our future. So bad in fact that I can't even begin to imagine them now. I haven't the heart to glimpse the road I'll follow you down simply to be close to you and to share a moment with you now and again. There seems to be so much on my mind that I wish to tell you, so much that is fighting for first place coming across my lips. I know that when I hear your 'hello' all of that will fade away, lost in the moment. So much can't be said because of where you are, and where I am, and who we are to each other. Other things can't be said because the time is not yet ripe for it. And still other things won't be mentioned because I'll forget, lost in the realization that I'm once again sharing space with you...and for a brief moment I'm all that exists in your world. In that moment I can once again sink my head into the cool sand, shut out the hot blinding sun and pretend that I'm the only woman you want and need....the only woman you love. For a moment, perhaps, I'll be able to find peace...even if its disillusioned at best.
I need to sleep now, my head is pounding, my heart is heavy and I haven't the words to describe to you how much you mean to me. For now I want to sleep...I want to sink into a dark abyss of nothingness. No dreams...please God...no dreams. I'll pray I not see you and her tonight. Pray that all that God blesses me with is darkness...and quiet. Pray that He can still my heart and my mind for just a few hours. Tomorrow I'll wake to hear your voice, feel your smile and once again tell you that I love you...more than anything else in this world...
On my way to pick up Bee from cheer practice tonight Blake Shelton's "Who are you when I'm not looking" came on the radio. I got to hear it from start to finish. Ever since you told me that song made you think of me I can't hear it without thinking of you. I find it wonderful that you and I both share such a strong passion for music. That songs speak so intimately to us. I know I can send you some lyrics and you'll instantly know what I'm trying to say, its another one of those connections I find so amazing between us. I'm sure a love of music isn't all that rare, but its just another one of those things that added up with everything else that makes our relationship so damn special.
I'm lying in bed now, trying to type through an ever worsening headache, and wishing to God my damn sleeping pill would kick in sooner rather than later. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be receiving a phone call from you. I have no idea why I said 'supposed to be', I already know I will. You always make good on your word to me, sometimes even when I think (deep down) that there is no possible way you can carry out your promise. I've definitely come to rely on your honesty and integrity being solid as granite...its one of the few things that make this ledge I'm balancing on bearable. At least for now. I wish I could hide from you, better than I have, just how precarious a position I'm in, and just how narrow this ledge has become. I won't step off of it to safety, but I'm terrified I may end up tumbling over the side with no net. Anyway...I digress...your phone call...
I have no idea how I'm going to react to hearing your voice tomorrow. This is the longest we've gone in weeks without talking to one another. Its been excruciating, and yet I know there are worse evils to come in our future. So bad in fact that I can't even begin to imagine them now. I haven't the heart to glimpse the road I'll follow you down simply to be close to you and to share a moment with you now and again. There seems to be so much on my mind that I wish to tell you, so much that is fighting for first place coming across my lips. I know that when I hear your 'hello' all of that will fade away, lost in the moment. So much can't be said because of where you are, and where I am, and who we are to each other. Other things can't be said because the time is not yet ripe for it. And still other things won't be mentioned because I'll forget, lost in the realization that I'm once again sharing space with you...and for a brief moment I'm all that exists in your world. In that moment I can once again sink my head into the cool sand, shut out the hot blinding sun and pretend that I'm the only woman you want and need....the only woman you love. For a moment, perhaps, I'll be able to find peace...even if its disillusioned at best.
I need to sleep now, my head is pounding, my heart is heavy and I haven't the words to describe to you how much you mean to me. For now I want to sleep...I want to sink into a dark abyss of nothingness. No dreams...please God...no dreams. I'll pray I not see you and her tonight. Pray that all that God blesses me with is darkness...and quiet. Pray that He can still my heart and my mind for just a few hours. Tomorrow I'll wake to hear your voice, feel your smile and once again tell you that I love you...more than anything else in this world...
Disappointing Morning: Torture Day 9
I woke up this morning. Even with the pill and the adult beverage, I still woke up earlier than I should and still am finding it hard to get back to sleep. I know sleep will find me, I can feel it hovering just out of reach. In time it will fold me in its wings to...what? Silence my fears for a few more hours, or hold me in torture session I'll be powerless to break free from? I won't know until I submit, and submit I shall, its the only place where time seems to pass a little more quickly.
This morning there was no message from you. Its been weeks...maybe months since that has happened. I'll try not to read anything into that on the surface. Intellectually, mentally I know it doesn't mean anything. Well...anything more than the fact that you got too busy with 'her' to steal some time for me. I should be happy you're not pushing it, and taking more risks than you already are. I should be. But. I'm not. It was a huge let down to wake this morning and not be reminded that you're struggling with our separation as much as I am. To not hear that you're missing me terribly. To not hear your thoughts are entirely consumed by me. Perhaps, on this last day of whatever it is you two are doing together, they aren't. Perhaps you've found your romantic happy place together, and I'm but an unpleasant reminder of what is hanging around in the shadows. Once again the dirty little secret.
I know I'm mostly just beating up on myself. I've woken up moody and in a foul disposition, and I'm taking that out on my writing and on you. I suppose I should just quit while I'm ahead, close my eyes and hope that maybe when they next open another day will have passed. Tomorrow, is the day you're supposed to call me. I hope it happens. I hope things begin to right themselves then. Right now I feel as though I'm spiraling out of control, reaching desperately for your hand, and finding none extended to save me...
This morning there was no message from you. Its been weeks...maybe months since that has happened. I'll try not to read anything into that on the surface. Intellectually, mentally I know it doesn't mean anything. Well...anything more than the fact that you got too busy with 'her' to steal some time for me. I should be happy you're not pushing it, and taking more risks than you already are. I should be. But. I'm not. It was a huge let down to wake this morning and not be reminded that you're struggling with our separation as much as I am. To not hear that you're missing me terribly. To not hear your thoughts are entirely consumed by me. Perhaps, on this last day of whatever it is you two are doing together, they aren't. Perhaps you've found your romantic happy place together, and I'm but an unpleasant reminder of what is hanging around in the shadows. Once again the dirty little secret.
I know I'm mostly just beating up on myself. I've woken up moody and in a foul disposition, and I'm taking that out on my writing and on you. I suppose I should just quit while I'm ahead, close my eyes and hope that maybe when they next open another day will have passed. Tomorrow, is the day you're supposed to call me. I hope it happens. I hope things begin to right themselves then. Right now I feel as though I'm spiraling out of control, reaching desperately for your hand, and finding none extended to save me...
Monday, September 17, 2012
Torture: Day 8
Its September 17th, 2012. Only barely. I'm but a few short minutes from September 18th, and as things are now, I prefer to imagine life a day ahead of myself. I'm alone. Utterly, and completely alone. A year has passed between you and I, and yet for the first time in our relationship I'm lonely and afraid of what the future may hold. I'll not tell you this of course. At least, not all of it. I've told you how lonely I feel. I've also mentioned my separation from you, how for the first time ever I can't feel you the way I have grown accustomed to. In the past, I've always felt when you were thinking of me. I could feel you hugging me, kissing me, saying my name even when we were thousands of miles apart. I've always felt this connection with you. Its really what told me in the earliest of days that you're my other half, that you're where my heart has found its home. That connection has been strangled these past few days, and I hope...God I hope desperately that its lifeblood will once again flow when we reunite in 10 short days.
10 short days! Short. Yeah. Right. Who am I really kidding? Surely not myself. I know that every minute that passes feels like a week unto itself. I can't imagine living my life this way. I had no idea it would be this hard, had no idea I would come to love you so much (and it grows every single day), and had no idea I would come to need you like the very air I breathe. LeAnne Rimes said it all in the song when she pleaded 'If you ever leave, baby you would take away everything good in my life...so tell me now, how do I live without you? I want to know' I agree...how do I live without you? I don't know. I can't. And yet, I fear I may have no choice but to learn how to make my way through this world having briefly touched a love few ever get to experience and know that its out there but forever out of my reach. Blessed and cursed all at the same time. I want so badly to step out of the shadows with you, let our love shine and bless those who are in our lives and get to experience the love we have for each other. I believe deeply its a gift. I just hope you see it, and decide to wrap yourself up in it before its too late.
For now I sit alone, while you hold another lover in your arms. I comfort myself with your smell, a stuffed hippo wrapped in your clothes, your voice, your photos....while she has everything with you. I sit and cry myself to sleep nightly, even when I'm having a good day. A strong drink, a sleeping pill and my hippo are my constant companions. This is how I've learned to live without you, by drowning out the images of what you are doing with her, to her, for her....the things you're saying, the sweet soft moments you're sharing, the smiles, the laughter, the touches, the love making even the fucking. All of it haunts me, strips me of any ability to be happy. All of it reminds me of what I'll not have, and of what life has taunted me with. All of it makes me feel lonelier every single day...and I don't know how to completely make them sink beneath the waters of forgetting and apathy. I want to so badly, yet they won't go, always just enough bobs near the surface. Even now as my eyes grow heavy from my nightly 'medication' the images still threaten to torment me as I sleep. Tortured even in my dreams.
Tonight I want to close my eyes, remember the love you showed me when we spent our 5 hours together...and pray that one day I'll never have a time limit with you again. Please God...hear my prayers for peace tonight....
10 short days! Short. Yeah. Right. Who am I really kidding? Surely not myself. I know that every minute that passes feels like a week unto itself. I can't imagine living my life this way. I had no idea it would be this hard, had no idea I would come to love you so much (and it grows every single day), and had no idea I would come to need you like the very air I breathe. LeAnne Rimes said it all in the song when she pleaded 'If you ever leave, baby you would take away everything good in my life...so tell me now, how do I live without you? I want to know' I agree...how do I live without you? I don't know. I can't. And yet, I fear I may have no choice but to learn how to make my way through this world having briefly touched a love few ever get to experience and know that its out there but forever out of my reach. Blessed and cursed all at the same time. I want so badly to step out of the shadows with you, let our love shine and bless those who are in our lives and get to experience the love we have for each other. I believe deeply its a gift. I just hope you see it, and decide to wrap yourself up in it before its too late.
For now I sit alone, while you hold another lover in your arms. I comfort myself with your smell, a stuffed hippo wrapped in your clothes, your voice, your photos....while she has everything with you. I sit and cry myself to sleep nightly, even when I'm having a good day. A strong drink, a sleeping pill and my hippo are my constant companions. This is how I've learned to live without you, by drowning out the images of what you are doing with her, to her, for her....the things you're saying, the sweet soft moments you're sharing, the smiles, the laughter, the touches, the love making even the fucking. All of it haunts me, strips me of any ability to be happy. All of it reminds me of what I'll not have, and of what life has taunted me with. All of it makes me feel lonelier every single day...and I don't know how to completely make them sink beneath the waters of forgetting and apathy. I want to so badly, yet they won't go, always just enough bobs near the surface. Even now as my eyes grow heavy from my nightly 'medication' the images still threaten to torment me as I sleep. Tortured even in my dreams.
Tonight I want to close my eyes, remember the love you showed me when we spent our 5 hours together...and pray that one day I'll never have a time limit with you again. Please God...hear my prayers for peace tonight....
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