Its September 17th, 2012. Only barely. I'm but a few short minutes from September 18th, and as things are now, I prefer to imagine life a day ahead of myself. I'm alone. Utterly, and completely alone. A year has passed between you and I, and yet for the first time in our relationship I'm lonely and afraid of what the future may hold. I'll not tell you this of course. At least, not all of it. I've told you how lonely I feel. I've also mentioned my separation from you, how for the first time ever I can't feel you the way I have grown accustomed to. In the past, I've always felt when you were thinking of me. I could feel you hugging me, kissing me, saying my name even when we were thousands of miles apart. I've always felt this connection with you. Its really what told me in the earliest of days that you're my other half, that you're where my heart has found its home. That connection has been strangled these past few days, and I hope...God I hope desperately that its lifeblood will once again flow when we reunite in 10 short days.
10 short days! Short. Yeah. Right. Who am I really kidding? Surely not myself. I know that every minute that passes feels like a week unto itself. I can't imagine living my life this way. I had no idea it would be this hard, had no idea I would come to love you so much (and it grows every single day), and had no idea I would come to need you like the very air I breathe. LeAnne Rimes said it all in the song when she pleaded 'If you ever leave, baby you would take away everything good in my life...so tell me now, how do I live without you? I want to know' I agree...how do I live without you? I don't know. I can't. And yet, I fear I may have no choice but to learn how to make my way through this world having briefly touched a love few ever get to experience and know that its out there but forever out of my reach. Blessed and cursed all at the same time. I want so badly to step out of the shadows with you, let our love shine and bless those who are in our lives and get to experience the love we have for each other. I believe deeply its a gift. I just hope you see it, and decide to wrap yourself up in it before its too late.
For now I sit alone, while you hold another lover in your arms. I comfort myself with your smell, a stuffed hippo wrapped in your clothes, your voice, your photos....while she has everything with you. I sit and cry myself to sleep nightly, even when I'm having a good day. A strong drink, a sleeping pill and my hippo are my constant companions. This is how I've learned to live without you, by drowning out the images of what you are doing with her, to her, for her....the things you're saying, the sweet soft moments you're sharing, the smiles, the laughter, the touches, the love making even the fucking. All of it haunts me, strips me of any ability to be happy. All of it reminds me of what I'll not have, and of what life has taunted me with. All of it makes me feel lonelier every single day...and I don't know how to completely make them sink beneath the waters of forgetting and apathy. I want to so badly, yet they won't go, always just enough bobs near the surface. Even now as my eyes grow heavy from my nightly 'medication' the images still threaten to torment me as I sleep. Tortured even in my dreams.
Tonight I want to close my eyes, remember the love you showed me when we spent our 5 hours together...and pray that one day I'll never have a time limit with you again. Please God...hear my prayers for peace tonight....
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