I woke up this morning. Even with the pill and the adult beverage, I still woke up earlier than I should and still am finding it hard to get back to sleep. I know sleep will find me, I can feel it hovering just out of reach. In time it will fold me in its wings to...what? Silence my fears for a few more hours, or hold me in torture session I'll be powerless to break free from? I won't know until I submit, and submit I shall, its the only place where time seems to pass a little more quickly.
This morning there was no message from you. Its been weeks...maybe months since that has happened. I'll try not to read anything into that on the surface. Intellectually, mentally I know it doesn't mean anything. Well...anything more than the fact that you got too busy with 'her' to steal some time for me. I should be happy you're not pushing it, and taking more risks than you already are. I should be. But. I'm not. It was a huge let down to wake this morning and not be reminded that you're struggling with our separation as much as I am. To not hear that you're missing me terribly. To not hear your thoughts are entirely consumed by me. Perhaps, on this last day of whatever it is you two are doing together, they aren't. Perhaps you've found your romantic happy place together, and I'm but an unpleasant reminder of what is hanging around in the shadows. Once again the dirty little secret.
I know I'm mostly just beating up on myself. I've woken up moody and in a foul disposition, and I'm taking that out on my writing and on you. I suppose I should just quit while I'm ahead, close my eyes and hope that maybe when they next open another day will have passed. Tomorrow, is the day you're supposed to call me. I hope it happens. I hope things begin to right themselves then. Right now I feel as though I'm spiraling out of control, reaching desperately for your hand, and finding none extended to save me...
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