Well here we are, just 5 days out from actually being together again. We emailed back and forth briefly this morning. You're missing your grandfather, my heart is breaking for you. I want so much to be there and comfort you...and yes part of me is pretty jealous that someone else is filling in that role for me. I realize that's a horrible thing to admit to, since in a pure sense of the word 'love' I should just be happy you're being comforted, the truth is...I am, but I just wish to hell it wasn't by her.
I'm nervous, again, about our time together. While this time won't have the horrible shadow of you leaving me to go to her, it still carries its own concerns. I hate sending you back to a war zone. I mean I really hate it! It makes me anxious as hell, even if it does mean I'll suddenly have a lot more contact with you. That's really one of only two upsides to you going back. I get tons of time with you again, and I don't have to worry about what you're doing alone with your ex. I'll also have the reality that the next time you fly home you'll be flying out here to spend time with me and my family/friends. I'm beyond excited about that, and everyone here is starting to get the same way. I suspect my excitement is contagious! Definitely a good thing...even if there is a really dark shadow on the backside of that visit. I'm going to try really hard not to think about that until you're much closer to coming home.
We're supposed to be meeting in Dubai in March. I'm not sure now if that's going to happen. I just started feeling out flights, and apparently that's a busy time of year to head to Dubai. Flights are ALREADY showing completely, or nearly full. Definitely not looking good. I'm not sure what are other options are, but I reckon we can talk about all of that once you're home in December. Who knows where we'll be by March...you may have had a change of heart by then. I think I believe, deep down, that is incredibly unlikely to happen. But I also believe, deep down, that in the end you're going to choose your ex...and I think its unrealistic to keep us both on the line until June. Eventually one of us is going to put your back to the wall....and the one of us is going to lose. I'm pretty sure I know who that woman is going to be.
I took a pregnancy test this morning. Today is the day I start a new packet of pills, you know, the ones that actually have hormones. I didn't want to start taking them if I somehow indeed ended up conceiving. I figured this morning was a good time to take the test since I had to take my first pill at noon. It came back positive. I definitely did a happy dance around my bathroom. As I was doing it, I imagined you walking by, catching me mid-dance and laughing your ass off at me. In any case....I was relieved to say the least. I reckon my body is still getting adjusted to being on the pills, hence the funky deal with my cycles....but...I also know that its likely just a matter of time before I have to come to you with a positive test. If we aren't already on the outs by then...I think that will be the final nail in my coffin I suspect. I know you'll never stop loving me...but I think it will end your desire to carry on a relationship with me. That makes me very sad...but there is really nothing I can do about it.
Tonight I'm off to Merle Haggard. Its something I would have loved to do with you. Instead I'm having to go on one of what I'm sure will be many 'friendly' dates. A good male friend asked me to go with him. He bought the tickets for him and his girlfriend and they broke up a few weeks ago. Lucky me for being in the right place at the right time. Needless to say you're going to be on my mind the whole night....as I said....this is something I should be sharing with you, not some man that really (in the grand scheme of things) means very little to me.
I guess that's all to be said in this 'edition'. I'm going to finish watching my Falcons wipe the field with the Chargers (another team I root for when they aren't facing down my Dirty Birds)...and then start getting ready to head to SF for the concert. I hope you're getting through everything OK. God knows I'm thinking of you...and your family (especially your Mom) right now. I love you...madly...
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