This one sort of carries over since I'm tucking into bed a lot later than is normal Had a girls night out tonight...took Lani out to reintroduce her to the single world. Her husband for 8 years (13 years together) walked out on her a few weeks ago. Needless to say she needed to get out and just have fun and be able to vent and enjoy herself. Sara and I really had a good time with her tonight, she's a great woman and I have no doubt, will eventually find the right one.
Today was rough today. I felt moody with you on the phone. I don't know why. I suppose it was just another frustrating day for me because I still hate the fact that you're keeping me and your ex in this sort of virtual no mans land until June. It sucks. I know you love me. I know you love me dearly. I know you love me so much that you'd marry me in a heartbeat given other circumstances. I know you want to have a baby together. I know you want to show me your home (as I'll be showing you mine shortly). I know you want to travel with me. I know you want to grow old together. I know you want all of this, and yet....you can't seem to let your past go...and move on with what will be our future. A friendship. a relationship with your ex (yes you'll always love her, just as I always love my ex...but that love will change into something less carnal in time), and a lifelong love relationship with me. I know you know we're right for each other...and I know you're scared of the unknown...I just wish you could trust in our love and in our hearts and move us forward. Life is so uncertain...I hate living like this when I think we both know what we want.
Something else to add to the roughness today. I had a few hours worth of spotting, which has now since departed. No big deal I suppose...except for the fact that you and I have already gone through one 'impossible' pregnancy while I had Mirena....and watched it fail. Now I've been on the pill...religiously I might add. I'll admit the first couple of days I wasn't exactly on the minute for taking them, but always within a half hour or so of each other. After day 3 or so, though, I was meticulous. Setting multiple reminders for myself as I slowly got back in the habit. I haven't missed a single one, or been later than 5 mins after the minute I should take it since then. But now....I don't know. I was 'supposed' to start my period around Monday or Tuesday...its Friday. I had some faint spotting on a day that could easily signal implantation, or just a light late period due to my body adjusting to the hormones of the pill. I don't know what to think.
We both knew this was risky...riskier than with Mirena. I think deep down we both knew this would happen eventually....but eventually to me was year(s) down the line...I mean good Lord, we only see each other for a few days every 90 days!!! And this the first time since the LAST oops!! I had NO idea my body was even capable this soon. I swear I hope it isn't another pregnancy. More than anything I want a baby WITH you. I don't want to be 'fertilized' by you...I don't want to do it alone and ashamed...I want us to be proud of our baby and get to enjoy the experience with all our hearts. I don't think we're there yet. I have to give it a few more days before taking a test. I'm thinking the morning of Sunday since that's when I'm supposed to start my next batch of 'active' (hormone) pills. I'd hate to start taking them again if I am, in fact, pregnant.
I have no idea what I'll do if I am. I'm trying not to think about it too much just yet. I have to come to you. I can't hid a damn thing from you it seems...and I don't really want to. I'm so scared this will drive you away from me, so part of me wants to just...make it go away before you ever know. I don't think I'm brave enough to do it. It goes against everything I believe...and besides, timing aside....I want to have your baby. Just...not like this. I want so much to make the decision together. For BOTH of us to be excited about the road we would plan to journey down, and to embrace it fully. To envelope ourselves from start to finish in the whole experience...from conception to raising our new little baby Waters together This is not how I want it....this is not what I think God intended. For now I'll just pray, alone, that its nothing more than my body still be a bit out of sorts.
I love you....desperately it seems. I'm praying the days go by a bit faster until you come home to my arms....
No comments:
Post a Comment