Really not much to say today. Another terribly lonely day, mostly spent neurotically refreshing my email in the off chance an email might show from you, looking at your photos, snuggling with my hippo (who is wearing your clothes), and re-reading old letters between us. Between all that I got my girls off to school, made supper for the family and got in an evening run. I must say, the run was particularly invigorating even if it felt as though my feet were slapping out your name every time they made contact with the pavement..."Hun-ter, Hun-ter, Hun-ter" was all I heard in my head.
On my way to pick up Bee from cheer practice tonight Blake Shelton's "Who are you when I'm not looking" came on the radio. I got to hear it from start to finish. Ever since you told me that song made you think of me I can't hear it without thinking of you. I find it wonderful that you and I both share such a strong passion for music. That songs speak so intimately to us. I know I can send you some lyrics and you'll instantly know what I'm trying to say, its another one of those connections I find so amazing between us. I'm sure a love of music isn't all that rare, but its just another one of those things that added up with everything else that makes our relationship so damn special.
I'm lying in bed now, trying to type through an ever worsening headache, and wishing to God my damn sleeping pill would kick in sooner rather than later. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be receiving a phone call from you. I have no idea why I said 'supposed to be', I already know I will. You always make good on your word to me, sometimes even when I think (deep down) that there is no possible way you can carry out your promise. I've definitely come to rely on your honesty and integrity being solid as granite...its one of the few things that make this ledge I'm balancing on bearable. At least for now. I wish I could hide from you, better than I have, just how precarious a position I'm in, and just how narrow this ledge has become. I won't step off of it to safety, but I'm terrified I may end up tumbling over the side with no net. Anyway...I digress...your phone call...
I have no idea how I'm going to react to hearing your voice tomorrow. This is the longest we've gone in weeks without talking to one another. Its been excruciating, and yet I know there are worse evils to come in our future. So bad in fact that I can't even begin to imagine them now. I haven't the heart to glimpse the road I'll follow you down simply to be close to you and to share a moment with you now and again. There seems to be so much on my mind that I wish to tell you, so much that is fighting for first place coming across my lips. I know that when I hear your 'hello' all of that will fade away, lost in the moment. So much can't be said because of where you are, and where I am, and who we are to each other. Other things can't be said because the time is not yet ripe for it. And still other things won't be mentioned because I'll forget, lost in the realization that I'm once again sharing space with you...and for a brief moment I'm all that exists in your world. In that moment I can once again sink my head into the cool sand, shut out the hot blinding sun and pretend that I'm the only woman you want and need....the only woman you love. For a moment, perhaps, I'll be able to find peace...even if its disillusioned at best.
I need to sleep now, my head is pounding, my heart is heavy and I haven't the words to describe to you how much you mean to me. For now I want to sleep...I want to sink into a dark abyss of nothingness. No dreams...please God...no dreams. I'll pray I not see you and her tonight. Pray that all that God blesses me with is darkness...and quiet. Pray that He can still my heart and my mind for just a few hours. Tomorrow I'll wake to hear your voice, feel your smile and once again tell you that I love you...more than anything else in this world...
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