Your grandfather passed away today. I've been in an unwarranted bitchy mood since yesterday evening, when I got this news it snapped me out of it. In all fairness, in only snapped me out of it for about half a day though I honestly don't know what my problem is. We've both agreed its hormones, I truly hope that's all it is. I don't like being this moody and pissed off all the time. You were right when you said earlier that I was fishing for a fight. I knew I was, I could feel every single sentence as it left my lips being combative, and I knew I should bite the words off...and yet with a raised eyebrow and fixed jaw I let the comments fly anyway. I don't like you seeing me like this, even if you do handle it without missing a beat.
We were having the most wonderful chat this afternoon. You soaking in your scented tub (I'm still chuckling to myself over that...as is my father ha ha ha), and me luxuriating in feeling close to you and loved by you. I know you hate hearing that I feel distant, but I do. Extremely distant. Almost to a point of not feeling you at all when I'm not hearing your voice or actively writing you. I don't know why that is. I know I don't love you any less. I know you don't love me any less. I know my desire to be right there tangled up with you is as strong as ever. It just feels as though there has been a wall put up between us that I can't quite get my head over. I don't know how to get through this over and over again if I'm always going to feel this way. Its so important to me to be able to feel you, even if I can't be with you. If I can't have that, or your physical presence, or the openness of loving you fully...then I just don't know how to get through this.
June is a long way away, and part of me (a large part) keeps reminding me there is a good chance you'll not make a choice between us even then...or that your choice will be to keep me as a mistress and her as your wife (which I suppose is the same thing as the former). Or so I say now. I haven't told you this yet...but the moment you fully choose her over me...I'm out. I can't do this forever. I love you too much now to be nothing more than a mistress...and 10% lover of you. If you only love me enough to give me 10% of your life...and yet won't let me find someone to hold me the other 90% of the time that you're holding her, there's no reason for me to stay. It will hammer into me once and for all that our love is truly unbalanced. Anyway, the point is, for now, I just don't know what the future holds anymore. I hate that you can't choose the way I think your heart is telling you too. I know your heart and soul yearn to be with me...I know you're scared because you still see me as an uncertain future. I'm afraid I'll never be able to make you trust me enough, even though I know I'm 100% worthy of it. I'd be yours forever if you'd have me. All you have to do is say yes.
I have no idea how I got onto this topic tonight its not where I intended to go, but right now its the topic that is all consuming. I know I'm going to piss you off more in the future with my demands for you to choose me, no matter how disguised they may be. You are entirely too capable of sniffing out my hidden meanings. I don't know how to help myself, although goodness knows I'm going to be trying hard upon your return to A-stan to play the nonchalant card and see where that gets me. I suspect you'll see right through it...but I'm hoping if nothing else it will alleviate some of the arguments I see brewing.
I'm talking myself in circles tonight. I need to just head to bed and try not think anymore. Its time my sleeping pill and my nightly dose of vodka carry me off anyway. I love you. I'm counting down the days (we're almost down to 6), to when we'll be in each others arms again and for a short while get to pretend to be a real couple. All I can think is soon my love soon...but goodness never soon enough for my heart....
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